Bummed

Its not easy but I do try to do things in life right. I try to treat others the way I want to be treated. I try to do things for others. I try to be helpful. I try not to do things wrong. I try not to hurt others. I try to look for the good in life. Even when things are going wrong I try to see that they are better than they could be. Things are good. I try. I really do try.

Sometimes it is hard. Sometimes it is really hard. Things dont always go right. Things dont always go good. There are things that are out of my control and I cannot do anything about. There are things that happen. There are people that suck the good out of you. I still try.

I know that I can be a bummer, negative, down. It comes from a life of that attitude. I know it needs to change. I know that I need to do better. This is not something that can/will happen over night. Its not something that is immediate. But, by gosh I can only do so much.

You know how when people come up and ask if everything is alright, if you feel sick, etc? Then after a while you start feeding into that? You start feeling bad and all...thats how I am. I have been told crap till I feel crap. People and things around me have sucked the good till I have to rediscover it.

I guess I need to grow thick skin. I am emotional, sorry but that is how I am. I get hurt easily. The exact reason I dont get close to people then regret it when I do. I take things personally. That is just how I am. I was always taught that 'if you dont have anything nice to say dont say anything'. That is how I am. I am not going to say something that I know is hurtful...even if the person I say it to doesnt think it is hurtful. If I think it is not good, then I will keep it to myself. So, why do others feel the need to say mean things? Why do others say things and not care if it is mean or hurtful? I dont get it.

I guess I need to just not care about anything. When I care, that is when I get hurt. I need to adopt an 'I just dont give a crap attitude'. I need to not care about people, feelings, etc. I cant do that. I just cant. To me that is negative energy. It is wrong and it is bad.

Where is the balance? Where is the fine line? When do people care enough to not say mean things? When do I not care but care? How? Why cant I find that line and stay there? Why do I care?

I want to find the good. I want to be positive. I want to do the right thing.

It is cloudy and trying to rain. It is good...need rain to make plants grow, it has cooled off the temps, it is not flooding. All is good!