Its not easy but I do try to do things in life right. I try to treat others the way I want to be treated. I try to do things for others. I try to be helpful. I try not to do things wrong. I try not to hurt others. I try to look for the good in life. Even when things are going wrong I try to see that they are better than they could be. Things are good. I try. I really do try.
Sometimes it is hard. Sometimes it is really hard. Things dont always go right. Things dont always go good. There are things that are out of my control and I cannot do anything about. There are things that happen. There are people that suck the good out of you. I still try.
I know that I can be a bummer, negative, down. It comes from a life of that attitude. I know it needs to change. I know that I need to do better. This is not something that can/will happen over night. Its not something that is immediate. But, by gosh I can only do so much.
You know how when people come up and ask if everything is alright, if you feel sick, etc? Then after a while you start feeding into that? You start feeling bad and all...thats how I am. I have been told crap till I feel crap. People and things around me have sucked the good till I have to rediscover it.
I guess I need to grow thick skin. I am emotional, sorry but that is how I am. I get hurt easily. The exact reason I dont get close to people then regret it when I do. I take things personally. That is just how I am. I was always taught that 'if you dont have anything nice to say dont say anything'. That is how I am. I am not going to say something that I know is hurtful...even if the person I say it to doesnt think it is hurtful. If I think it is not good, then I will keep it to myself. So, why do others feel the need to say mean things? Why do others say things and not care if it is mean or hurtful? I dont get it.
I guess I need to just not care about anything. When I care, that is when I get hurt. I need to adopt an 'I just dont give a crap attitude'. I need to not care about people, feelings, etc. I cant do that. I just cant. To me that is negative energy. It is wrong and it is bad.
Where is the balance? Where is the fine line? When do people care enough to not say mean things? When do I not care but care? How? Why cant I find that line and stay there? Why do I care?
I want to find the good. I want to be positive. I want to do the right thing.
It is cloudy and trying to rain. It is good...need rain to make plants grow, it has cooled off the temps, it is not flooding. All is good!
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Letters from a friend...hateful, hurtful, or what???
I email a friend to find out why I never hear from them. I email to check on them...no answer. I send cards for holidays (have been doing this for many years). Today I finally get a reply...ok, several. So, what am I to think? I am hurt and ready to just AVOID the whole world!!!! Ready to sink into a black hole, off into a cave...and avoid all people! What do you think? Am I over reacting? Do I have a reason to be hurt, upset?
Letter 1: Did you know that someone in my family actually died? Did you know I spent 1/2 a month in the psych ward of a hospital. Sorry if emailing wasn't on the top of my list. I have been through hell and back and I have not had time to talk to anyone. But thanks for being so supportive. I got zero card from you this year in the mail and as I said email has pilled up that I couldn't even check. You sent me that gift a long time ago and I did say thank you. I have done countless things for you and mac over the years but I do not throw them up in your face. Everytime I come to town I contact you and you are always sick or something and you get back to me after the fact. And I was replaced long before any of this with michelle. I don't have time for it. You were not interested in being my friend when you were with her. So whatever. This was the meanest thing I could of ever read going through the hell my family and I have been through. So thanks.
***
My reply: That is BS. You were never replaced. You dumped me. You never talk to me at all so there was no way to know what is going on. Everytime I emailed anything at all I never knew if you got it. This wasn't meant to be mean. I have sent so many unanswered emails. I am sorry. I guess you are right I am a crappy friend.
***
Letter 3: because it was plain and simple. I didn't have time to talk or email and I was depressed and when people get depressed they don't usually want to talk to people.You and M____ became friends LONG before any of that happened and so don't play that game with me. Fiurthermore it wouldn't matter anyway...we live 2 hours away from each other and I would expect you to have a close friend as did I around here but even those relationships came and went as I had LIFE to deal with.Email started piling up and I never really even cared because I had to deal with life and take care of my child. I work FULL time now for an insurance agent. I coach soccer. Do bible blast. Go to the gym and try to be a good mom. I fall apart at night because I am depressed and unhappy but that is it. I don't have time for crap and I do not have time for people who want to tell me I am a shitty friend.I am sorry that you think so little of me and I am sorry that I hurt you but I had to take care of me for a change. Everything else had to slide. I have not seen R____since the last time I called you. That proves the point that I just don't have much free time at all. We have hardly talked at all even through email. So that is that. Take it or leave it.
****
Reply 2: I never meant to sound so mean. You have emailed me and said stuff that was hurtful. I feel pushed to the side. You have barely spoke to me in a few years. I sit and wonder what I have done that you should ignore me. I sit and wonder how you are doing, how K___ is, etc. I email to ask, sent stuff, etc....then nothing. Once in a while you im me...then I ask and you are so busy that I only get a sentence or 2 reply. I was not trying to hurt your feelings. I was not trying to be mean. I never replaced you. You rode out of my life but I still sat wondering what was going on. I still worried. I did send emails and cards. I always send cards for all holidays...you know that. I even emailed after the fact to see if you got anything...still no answer.You quit talking to me a long time ago. I would only hear anything when you came down. You have sent me many many hurtful emails. You have drug stuff up. I dont know what to say but sorry. If I had known anything was going on, you know I would have contacted you. Anyway, I am sorry I bothered you. I am sorry I wasn't there for you. I am sorry I hurt you.
Letter 4:
If you are going to accuse me of emailing you hurtful stuff then please produce it. At least from the last few years. Because I refuse to dwell on stuff that happened years ago. I am sure I could find things you did to me 2-3 years ago as well but I can hardly remember last week let alone last year. I find it funny that you are sitting here telling me that I have sent you plenty of hurtful emails and yet I wake up to this crap in my inbox.....and then you say I have hardly spoke to you in a few years. So which is it? Okay, so maybe way back when we were in COLLEGE I sent hurtful emails but not in the last 2-3 years. I've grown up a lot and seriously I would never send a hurtful email. People grow and change and sometimes move on. It is hard to keep a relationship going that are 2 hours away. I've lost friends who are 20 mins away because of schedules. I am NEVER online except at work and that is only to access email. If you noticed I deleted myspace and facebook a long time ago....because I do NOT have time.
Anyway, I always call you or email before I come to town. I always do and you put me off. And the thing is I was never mad that you were sick or you couldn't get together because M___ was working. I understood but don't say that I didn't call you. I come into town VERY few times a year now that I am so busy. I don't have time to take off at all.
I am sorry your life has been hell but I couldn't give you support you needed during your time of hell because mine was hell and still is but improving. I needed to focus all of my energy on me and my child. If you can't accept that then I'm sorry. Depression hit me hard and I blew everyone off and that is just how it was. I couldn't even hardly get out of bed let alone sit at a computer and email.
That is the thing...I don't think of you as a shitty friend. I think of you often and wonder what you girls are doing but then I remember all of the 10 million things I have to do. And yes I am hurt by this but I will get over it. Maybe one of these days I can get to *name of town* and we can all hang out but I can't give you a time frame.
(NOTE: I dont have those letters but had sent them to several people as well as showing one person to see if they read it like I did...they said it was worse.) Also, names were deleted for a reason.
Letter 1: Did you know that someone in my family actually died? Did you know I spent 1/2 a month in the psych ward of a hospital. Sorry if emailing wasn't on the top of my list. I have been through hell and back and I have not had time to talk to anyone. But thanks for being so supportive. I got zero card from you this year in the mail and as I said email has pilled up that I couldn't even check. You sent me that gift a long time ago and I did say thank you. I have done countless things for you and mac over the years but I do not throw them up in your face. Everytime I come to town I contact you and you are always sick or something and you get back to me after the fact. And I was replaced long before any of this with michelle. I don't have time for it. You were not interested in being my friend when you were with her. So whatever. This was the meanest thing I could of ever read going through the hell my family and I have been through. So thanks.
***
My reply: That is BS. You were never replaced. You dumped me. You never talk to me at all so there was no way to know what is going on. Everytime I emailed anything at all I never knew if you got it. This wasn't meant to be mean. I have sent so many unanswered emails. I am sorry. I guess you are right I am a crappy friend.
***
Letter 3: because it was plain and simple. I didn't have time to talk or email and I was depressed and when people get depressed they don't usually want to talk to people.You and M____ became friends LONG before any of that happened and so don't play that game with me. Fiurthermore it wouldn't matter anyway...we live 2 hours away from each other and I would expect you to have a close friend as did I around here but even those relationships came and went as I had LIFE to deal with.Email started piling up and I never really even cared because I had to deal with life and take care of my child. I work FULL time now for an insurance agent. I coach soccer. Do bible blast. Go to the gym and try to be a good mom. I fall apart at night because I am depressed and unhappy but that is it. I don't have time for crap and I do not have time for people who want to tell me I am a shitty friend.I am sorry that you think so little of me and I am sorry that I hurt you but I had to take care of me for a change. Everything else had to slide. I have not seen R____since the last time I called you. That proves the point that I just don't have much free time at all. We have hardly talked at all even through email. So that is that. Take it or leave it.
****
Reply 2: I never meant to sound so mean. You have emailed me and said stuff that was hurtful. I feel pushed to the side. You have barely spoke to me in a few years. I sit and wonder what I have done that you should ignore me. I sit and wonder how you are doing, how K___ is, etc. I email to ask, sent stuff, etc....then nothing. Once in a while you im me...then I ask and you are so busy that I only get a sentence or 2 reply. I was not trying to hurt your feelings. I was not trying to be mean. I never replaced you. You rode out of my life but I still sat wondering what was going on. I still worried. I did send emails and cards. I always send cards for all holidays...you know that. I even emailed after the fact to see if you got anything...still no answer.You quit talking to me a long time ago. I would only hear anything when you came down. You have sent me many many hurtful emails. You have drug stuff up. I dont know what to say but sorry. If I had known anything was going on, you know I would have contacted you. Anyway, I am sorry I bothered you. I am sorry I wasn't there for you. I am sorry I hurt you.
Letter 4:
If you are going to accuse me of emailing you hurtful stuff then please produce it. At least from the last few years. Because I refuse to dwell on stuff that happened years ago. I am sure I could find things you did to me 2-3 years ago as well but I can hardly remember last week let alone last year. I find it funny that you are sitting here telling me that I have sent you plenty of hurtful emails and yet I wake up to this crap in my inbox.....and then you say I have hardly spoke to you in a few years. So which is it? Okay, so maybe way back when we were in COLLEGE I sent hurtful emails but not in the last 2-3 years. I've grown up a lot and seriously I would never send a hurtful email. People grow and change and sometimes move on. It is hard to keep a relationship going that are 2 hours away. I've lost friends who are 20 mins away because of schedules. I am NEVER online except at work and that is only to access email. If you noticed I deleted myspace and facebook a long time ago....because I do NOT have time.
Anyway, I always call you or email before I come to town. I always do and you put me off. And the thing is I was never mad that you were sick or you couldn't get together because M___ was working. I understood but don't say that I didn't call you. I come into town VERY few times a year now that I am so busy. I don't have time to take off at all.
I am sorry your life has been hell but I couldn't give you support you needed during your time of hell because mine was hell and still is but improving. I needed to focus all of my energy on me and my child. If you can't accept that then I'm sorry. Depression hit me hard and I blew everyone off and that is just how it was. I couldn't even hardly get out of bed let alone sit at a computer and email.
That is the thing...I don't think of you as a shitty friend. I think of you often and wonder what you girls are doing but then I remember all of the 10 million things I have to do. And yes I am hurt by this but I will get over it. Maybe one of these days I can get to *name of town* and we can all hang out but I can't give you a time frame.
(NOTE: I dont have those letters but had sent them to several people as well as showing one person to see if they read it like I did...they said it was worse.) Also, names were deleted for a reason.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Lessons in Life
Life is not fair. Life is not perfect. This is so that we learn from our mistakes. Ok, I get it. I have made my share of mistakes and have learned and grown from them.
Emotions are part of life. For some reason my genetic makeup (which sucks) gave me crappy emotions. I take things personally. I get hurt easy. I care about others. I dont like unhappy things. I like to be upbear and crazy rather than a downer. I dont always have a positive attitude.
It would be so nice to have an "I Dont Give a F___" attitude but that is not me. I would love to let things roll and say 'oh well'. I would love to be able to blow stuff off. I would love to not catch hell for the way I feel. I just cant change that.
I would love to act like a stone cold bitch who could care less about anyone or anything. That would be great sometimes. I cant turn my emotions and feelings off like a switch. I am stuck with them. At the same time, I like having feelings. I like caring, compassion, passion, etc. I was always taught to 'do unto others...' and I really try to do treat people the way I want to be treated. That is what makes me who I am.
I am giving and helpful. If I see a situation where I can help, I offer to help. If I see someone needs something, I try to help. It is nice when there is someone there to help when you need it. I try to be that sort of person. I try not to need help. I was taught that you can only depend on yourself, becuase nobody else will be there when you need it. I am always making things for others. I love making gifts that I know will make others happy.
That brings me to think that emotions and feelings dont matter. Nobody cares what you think, feel, etc. Nobody cares if you are hurt, sad, mad, etc. Nobody gives a F____!
So, why bother? Why should I care? Why should I feel bad when someone I cares about feels bad? Why should I care when someone I care about is hurt, sad, upset, sick, etc? Why should I care if nobody else cares? Why?
Because, that is who I am. I care, hurt, worry. I show compassion, passion, emotion. That is just who I am. I cant change that. Do I really want to? Then I would be somebody else.
I am alive. I am feeling. I am caring. I am giving. I am compassionate. I am nice. I am friendly. I am a people pleaser (that doesnt always happen but I try). I am alot of things. That is just who I am.
Peace...
Emotions are part of life. For some reason my genetic makeup (which sucks) gave me crappy emotions. I take things personally. I get hurt easy. I care about others. I dont like unhappy things. I like to be upbear and crazy rather than a downer. I dont always have a positive attitude.
It would be so nice to have an "I Dont Give a F___" attitude but that is not me. I would love to let things roll and say 'oh well'. I would love to be able to blow stuff off. I would love to not catch hell for the way I feel. I just cant change that.
I would love to act like a stone cold bitch who could care less about anyone or anything. That would be great sometimes. I cant turn my emotions and feelings off like a switch. I am stuck with them. At the same time, I like having feelings. I like caring, compassion, passion, etc. I was always taught to 'do unto others...' and I really try to do treat people the way I want to be treated. That is what makes me who I am.
I am giving and helpful. If I see a situation where I can help, I offer to help. If I see someone needs something, I try to help. It is nice when there is someone there to help when you need it. I try to be that sort of person. I try not to need help. I was taught that you can only depend on yourself, becuase nobody else will be there when you need it. I am always making things for others. I love making gifts that I know will make others happy.
That brings me to think that emotions and feelings dont matter. Nobody cares what you think, feel, etc. Nobody cares if you are hurt, sad, mad, etc. Nobody gives a F____!
So, why bother? Why should I care? Why should I feel bad when someone I cares about feels bad? Why should I care when someone I care about is hurt, sad, upset, sick, etc? Why should I care if nobody else cares? Why?
Because, that is who I am. I care, hurt, worry. I show compassion, passion, emotion. That is just who I am. I cant change that. Do I really want to? Then I would be somebody else.
I am alive. I am feeling. I am caring. I am giving. I am compassionate. I am nice. I am friendly. I am a people pleaser (that doesnt always happen but I try). I am alot of things. That is just who I am.
Peace...
Friday, August 1, 2008
Disappointments in Life
Ok, I know I am not always the most cheerful person but I do try to be happy and have fun, act crazy, etc. I dont always want to be a bummer. Nobody wants to stick around someone down all of the time...someone who will suck the life out of everything. But lately it seems that disappointments are everywhere I turn.
I could start with family. A daughter that hates me as does her husband. Their children that I never see (some I have never seen at all). A brother who could care less if I died. A daddy that has given up and wants to suck the whole world into his way....he is miserable and is making everyone else miserable as well. SIL was recently diagnosed with cancer and it has spread to lymph glands. One of the kids I worked with in school recently died. And I have my own battles going on.
We go to see Billy Currington in concert. We went to see him 2 years ago and had sooooo much fun. I rushed out to get his cd, we played it nonstop, talked about the concert all summer long, etc. So we go this year. Concert was ok. There are no chairs at all...Billy requested no chairs since someone stood in them then fell and got hurt 2 years ago. He had a local kid open for him. We were not impressed at all. He finally takes the stage and plays. It was the same stuff as last time but he didnt sing some of his best songs. After the concert we were all excited, we wanted to meet him (again) and get autographs. The band signed autographs and posed for pics. Billys dog was out walking around. But, no Billy. Talk about let down. Talk about disappointment. It was as if he were TOO BIG to have anything to do with his fans. I even had little autograph books I made just for this. We left there shaking our heads and saying that we will not be rushing out for the cd, or to any more concerts. What a waste!!!!
I go to the store to buy a cd I have been dying to get....only to find out that the company that does their ordering didnt order the cds at all. I even went to several other Walmart stores to get it....same thing no go.
Then the new book in the Twilight series Breaking Dawn comes out at midnight tonight. We have all been waiting on this for a long while. I got everyone into this book and now we patiently await the book....even wanting a book release party as well. I call around and Walmart (again) doesnt know if they will even get the book....Anderson Co does the ordering. Andersone Co....YOU SUCK!!!! I see on Stephenie Meyers website a link to Twilight Series Events in your area....I called the WM stores on the list....one said they will release 40 copies at midnight, another doesnt know what I am talking about, another said they are doing nothing, another said they will sell the book if they get copies. WTH, how is that a book release party????
I guesss it is a good thing that my very few close friends are not disappointing. They are the only things keeping me going, making me smile. They are the bright spot in my day. Thank you my friends.
I could start with family. A daughter that hates me as does her husband. Their children that I never see (some I have never seen at all). A brother who could care less if I died. A daddy that has given up and wants to suck the whole world into his way....he is miserable and is making everyone else miserable as well. SIL was recently diagnosed with cancer and it has spread to lymph glands. One of the kids I worked with in school recently died. And I have my own battles going on.
We go to see Billy Currington in concert. We went to see him 2 years ago and had sooooo much fun. I rushed out to get his cd, we played it nonstop, talked about the concert all summer long, etc. So we go this year. Concert was ok. There are no chairs at all...Billy requested no chairs since someone stood in them then fell and got hurt 2 years ago. He had a local kid open for him. We were not impressed at all. He finally takes the stage and plays. It was the same stuff as last time but he didnt sing some of his best songs. After the concert we were all excited, we wanted to meet him (again) and get autographs. The band signed autographs and posed for pics. Billys dog was out walking around. But, no Billy. Talk about let down. Talk about disappointment. It was as if he were TOO BIG to have anything to do with his fans. I even had little autograph books I made just for this. We left there shaking our heads and saying that we will not be rushing out for the cd, or to any more concerts. What a waste!!!!
I go to the store to buy a cd I have been dying to get....only to find out that the company that does their ordering didnt order the cds at all. I even went to several other Walmart stores to get it....same thing no go.
Then the new book in the Twilight series Breaking Dawn comes out at midnight tonight. We have all been waiting on this for a long while. I got everyone into this book and now we patiently await the book....even wanting a book release party as well. I call around and Walmart (again) doesnt know if they will even get the book....Anderson Co does the ordering. Andersone Co....YOU SUCK!!!! I see on Stephenie Meyers website a link to Twilight Series Events in your area....I called the WM stores on the list....one said they will release 40 copies at midnight, another doesnt know what I am talking about, another said they are doing nothing, another said they will sell the book if they get copies. WTH, how is that a book release party????
I guesss it is a good thing that my very few close friends are not disappointing. They are the only things keeping me going, making me smile. They are the bright spot in my day. Thank you my friends.
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